How to tell it's Monday

1) Look at a calendar. (That one's pretty obvious.)

2) When you are on your third cup of coffee and you haven't even left the house yet.

3) People call in sick to work with that mysterious "weekend illness".

4) Someone comes in to work with alcohol on their breath (hair of the dog).

5) As soon as you open the doors for business, everyone floods in to return all their impulse buys from the weekend.

6) You see someone you work with smiling and being productive and you have to resist the urge to slap them in the face.

7) Garfield tells you he hates the day. Odie seems indifferent.

8) Everyone on the subway during morning rush hour is asleep or sour-faced.

9) The daily crossword puzzle is really easy.

10) Everyone inquires about what you did over the weekend.

11) You have the unmistakable sinking feeling of everything beginning again.

12) The newspaper seems to have virtually no news in it.

13) The price of gas goes back down.

14) Some stupid person says "TGIM", and you don't talk to them for the rest of the day.

Getting Older

Signs that you are getting older:

1) You start to watch Muchmoremusic instead of Muchmusic, because you want to see actual music videos instead of endless VJ prattle and tween soap operas.

2) You actually read the newspaper instead of just skipping to the end for the horoscope and the comics.

3) You reference lines from "The Simpsons" and no one laughs because they are unfamiliar with the older episodes that are actually funny.

4) Every year you tell people that you are celebrating your "29th" birthday.

5) Rush hour becomes the bane of your existence.

6) Everyone at work tells you you look tired, even when you actually got eight hours of sleep the night before.

7) You get the Sunday paper mainly for the TV guide, so you can plan all your TV watching for the following week.

8) Almost every other conversation involves talking about the weather.

9) You become increasingly concerned about the price of gas.

10) You have seen enough funny cat photos to last a lifetime.

11) You hear people talking about the Harlem shake or Gagnam style or some other Internet meme and you wonder "what the heck is that, and why should I care?"

12) You discover the joy of clipping coupons.

13) Gross-out comedies no longer hold any appeal for you.

14) You would rather go to a house party than out to a club.

15) You change your Facebook profile pic from a self-portrait to a landscape or something completely random, so no one can see how old you are.

16) You still want the world to change, but now you figure someone else will do it.

17) Talking to your parents becomes easier, because now you can kind of see their point of view.

18) When you see young people walking around with an undeserved sense of entitlement, you have to resist the urge to slap them in the face.

19) Spending $20 just to get in to see a movie seems appalling to you.

20) You just tell everyone what you want as a gift, because you would rather not be surprised and just get something you actually need.

21) You start having to take days off work for doctor's appointments.

22) You actually start to miss being at school.

Summer Movies

How you can tell you are watching a summer blockbuster:

1) The movie is directed by Michael Bay or, for an older movie, Roland Emmerich.

2) You see the scrolling Marvel logo at the beginning.

3) The last 20-40 minutes is one giant action scene with fighting and/or explosions.

4) Every actor is someone you have heard of, even in the supporting roles.

5) The stakes are always ultra high, i.e. people are killed, cities are destroyed, the entire planet is in jeopardy.

6) Plot holes you can drive a truck through.

7) You have seen the trailer so much on TV that you feel like you've actually seen the movie already.

8) The soundtrack is epic and momentous.

9) Upon the movie's release, you hear immediate talk of sequels, prequels, threequels, etc.

10) There is almost always a coda scene hidden in the closing credits.

11) It seems as though the movie has an almost unlimited special-effects budget.

A Fantastic Life

Why life would be better if it were like Final Fantasy:

1) You could ride a chocobo to work. No more rush hour traffic.

2) You would get to explore the entire world, in a variety of vehicles.

3) Someone getting on your nerves? Summon any number demons or monsters to put them in their place.

4) Magic would be real. You could cast a spell to heal people or make meteors fall from the sky; your choice.

5) You could journey into space and see the moon up close.

6) You would almost always be in a party of close friends, who would accompany you on your adventures.

7) Every person you would meet in town would have something important to tell you. Almost no one would be annoying or irrelevant.

8) Sword-fighting. Enough said.

9) No matter who you are, you would be the most important person ever. It would be your destiny to fight evil/save the world. Forget working for minimum wage.

10) Everyone would be so considerate, even monsters wait their turn.

11) Your hard work (running errands, solving puzzles, slaying monsters) would actually be rewarded (with gold, experience, or rare items).

12) The most important story is always a love story.

TV Moments

If life were like a TV show:

1) You would never have to go to the bathroom.

2) Every time you said or did something funny, you would hear people laughing.

3) Grocery shopping would be easy, you would always have only two or three plain, brown paper bags, one having a baguette protruding from the top.

4) That girl sitting next to you would really be a vampire/demon/psychic/time traveler.

5) Best excuse for being late to work: car chase.

6) Time would just fly by; the day would only seem to be either 22 or 45 minutes long.

7) You would never remember getting from A to B, unless something extraordinary happened.

8) Everyone would verbalize their every thought, and you would have to pretend not to hear.

9) You would wake up in the morning and your hair and make-up would already be done.

10) After every dream, you would bolt up out of bed in a cold sweat.

11) You might have a nagging suspicion that you have had adventures outside the space-time continuum, but have no memory of them.

12) All of your bed sheets are in a strange L-shape.

13) Tons of exciting things would happen to you during the month of May.

14) People you know would mysteriously die/disappear/radically change their appearance.

15) Every person's actions would be part of a master plan involving secrets, lies, revenge, or betrayal.

Thoughts on Management

Ways managers can be like toddlers:

1) Get extremely upset when they don't get what they want.

2) You always have to clean up after them.

3) Speak a language you don't always understand.

4) Make their own schedule.

5) Have trouble understanding that some things are just impossible.

6) Haven't learned how to perform certain tasks that others can do without a problem.

7) Any mistake they make is somehow always your fault.

8) Expect you to do things for them.

9) Assume that everything happens instantly.

 

A Night Out

Things I learned at the Canadian Radio Music Awards: 

1) Marianas Trench is awesome. Period. 

2) My knowledge of Canadian musicians could use some improvement. 

3) I now know what teen spirit smells like. Let's say not good. 

4) Do not put your Metropass in the same pocket as your phone, which you will be constantly reaching for to take pictures. Recipe for disaster. 

5) $50 is a lot of money to spend on a concert you are not watching because all you are doing is texting your friend and/or glaring at everyone. 

6) Yes, you can hold up your phone and record a video of the entire concert. You know what else can record experiences? Your mind. Just enjoy the show. 

7) Drunken barrel rolling through a packed crowd is never a good idea. 

8) Do not use the washroom. If you have to go, just hold it. Trust me. 

9) So there's country, new country and urban country? I guess now that's three genres I don't listen to. 

10) Apparently, they make alcoholic drinks with caffeine now. Being wide awake never felt so good. 

11) Judging by the amount of people who kept their coats on, $2.50 is seemingly too expensive for coat check. 

12) All ages means ALL ages. Although the crowd seemed to be composed mainly of three groups: kids, people who wish they were kids, and people who had kids.

TTC Life

Things I would like to tell people on the TTC (if there were no rules, or etiquette, or civilization whatsoever): 

1) I am sure you have lots of friends. But spandex is not one of them. 

2) I know the deodorant said "all day protection", but trust me, it was exaggerating. 

3) Gee, I have no idea what could possibly be in that plain, brown paper bag. And it's shaped like a bottle? I'm stumped. 

4) Oh no, when the bus driver says move back, he means everyone BUT you. Sure, you can just stay at the front where you are. 

5) I just worked 13 hours on my feet on all day, but your bag needs a seat? My apologies. 

6) Okay, so [insert Toronto sports team here] lost again, huh? Disappointing, but I fail to see how yelling in my face will turn back time and change the outcome. 

7) When you got dressed this morning, did you forget to turn on the lights? 

8) I appreciate the attempt, but mouthwash just makes your breath smell like minty booze. 

9) Thank you for talking on your cell phone so loud. No, I didn't know that David had a house party while you were away. And his friends trashed the house? Some people have no consideration for others, I know. 

10) No, twenty people trying to jam into the same subway car at once won't cause any problems. Those doors just look small; go ahead.